The entire process of preparation of food that I'm going to eat is so fraught with anxiety and disgust for me that it completely puts me off from eating it. But I feel like generally, once I can get myself to eat it I'm actually a good enough cook that it tastes okay enough for me to like, make it happen.
My day was going pretty normally when I got a phone call from one of my friends that I haven't really heard from in a while. J. is my closest friend (the wording is important) and he's always kind of been unable to deal with my mental health issues and yet generally expects me to be able to deal with his. We talked on the phone for about an hour and he told me all about his life and everything that's been going on and he really opened up about his feelings and what was going through his head. I envy and love people who are able to open up about things in that way, with no real regard for the implications of the things they say. I'm honestly not really able to do that because I feel like I'm too worried about everything and how I will come across and how my words might affect people. I wonder if it is worth my time to work on that or if it's better to be loved than to be open about my emotions more than I already am. He was also very high so he might not have been aware of some of the pain caused by some of his statements but his semifunctional drug use isn't really and excuse for my pain. I kind of unsure of how I feel about letting him back into my life after he's neglected me for so long.
I slept for eighteen or nineteen hours today, all day and then until two in the morning. I don't really know why I've been so tired other than staying up the whole night of Halloween for some unknown reason. The reality of my life is that nothing is going on anymore and as much as I'm stressed out when things are happening I feel like I'm experiencing the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry. My brain has also been in a certain sort of fog that seems to be constantly happening and effecting me. I have no idea how successful my writing on this site is going to be in that I'm used to tumblr and it's more intuitive image based nature. Maybe it will be an accurate representation of myself in that I can't just hide behind pictures. But I think I'm generally going to try and share images with each journal post and then just in general. Right now i'm up and I finished eating my halloween candy and now I'm just sitting in bed feeling tired and listening to things.